S10.KL1 BEHIND X-RAYS, BENEATH SCARS – VIEWS OF A PATIENT

Abstract

My X-rays and scars literally show my life-story. What they show is a destroyed right hip bone due to Osteomyelitis at the early age of 4 days and, 18 years later, a length difference between my feet of approximately 6 inch. But what they do not show is me.

The fragile infant who became a little girl, turned into a teenager, and eventually grew into a woman. A woman who, throughout this process, was forced to set her personal hopes and dreams aside in order to be (the) patient. Why is it that when you get sick you simultaneously seem to vanish as a person? It feels like your individuality becomes second to your medical status. Moreover, you are expected to stick to the rules of your role to serve the hospital system. But I am a human being after all, not a numb, genderless puppet.

Once the patient, you are trapped and challenged by the obstacles of a life that is no longer in your hands. Lying in a hospital bed, childlike and deprived of your gender, often not even capable of choosing when to act according to your personal needs, you just never know when to feel safe within yourself.

Exposure, shame, and pain become a daily routine, as your handicap is put into the spotlight of men, without any space left for privacy. This vicious circle can lead into self abandonment and depression. You break under the pressure of getting healthy and your self-imposed control. Dependency on strangers, adapting to hospital rules, waking up in a changed body after surgery and losing your self-worth are some of the consequences you have to face along the way. Pain is not the problem, your soul, adapting to the changes that are made on your body, is.

Please note, that the patients’ soul is not visible on an x-ray. Take a closer look at the bravely smiling patients, who are sitting in your offices, scheduling their next surgeries without hesitation, because they finally want to get well. The system has to be individually adapted for all parties. It is teamwork after all. As for me, I stood up for myself, got to be part of my surgical team and are now, 28 years later, living my freedom, the “normal” life, so to say. I am safe for now.